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1. Stacy Dragila (US)-- As always I pick Stacy.  That  girl looks great even when she picks her uniform out of her butt after each vault.  She is without a doubt the  sexiest girl in this competition.  Even if she is left handed. Stac, do not think I forgot about your bet we did at Fullerton. I made the bar.  I am still waiting.  See you soon!

2. Anzhela Balakhonova (Ukr)--Anzhela is a serious hottie.  The Ukraine produced the hottest European Female.  She jumps quite good as well, no idea about her sexual preference but she does shave her pits.  Perhaps a future Screen Saver is in order.  Pray for a panty shot during the coverage.

 3. Tatiana Grigorieva (Aus)--The aussie  implant will jump well despite getting ill from eating bad Koala Bear meat.  The former Solviet will medal here. Then kick Emma in the shins, not sure why, it just sounds good. Thought she  defected to Austria and marched in the wrong procession during the opening ceremonies.

4. Nicole Humbert (Ger)--Recently married, hmm.  Never a good thing in my eyes.   But reports are that her family likes to boo the competition during their vaults.  If this can be confirmed look for a very harsh prediction...along the lines of -->Nicole will fail to get the top three and miss out on the cash she needed to support her growing crack habit that formed due to her abusive husband beating her for not having the record anymore. --But that is only the prediction if the rumor is true.  Other than that she is a lovely person.

5 . Yelena Belyakova (Rus)--Had to stand in a bread line so she missed warm ups.  But still will come in 5th, enough to get Russian sponsorship of 5,000,000 rubles ($8.21 US) and a bottle of Vodka half emptied by Boris Yeltsin.  Will burn her uniform for heat during the off season. Gets great news upon returning that she has been purchased as a mail order bride by Tim Mack.

5. Yvonne Buschbaum (Ger)--She' s a man.  She is like 17 and training to be a cop, the handcuffs may be a plus but the fact that she looks kinda butchy with a freak aspect makes me think that she is dating Toby Stevenson, who is also a freak, nice tattoo.  She thought he was german when she heard Helmut.....only to realize that was not his name, rather the ridiculous piece of useless plastic strapped to his head that provides hours of great comments about his gender from people in the stands watching him. I am rambling. But I got to bag on Tob so that was cool.

7. Vala Flosadóttir (Ice) -- Hi , my name is Vala...I am from ICELAND!!!! To busy ice fishing and clubbing baby seals to be a factor this year.  A plus though is that she jumps in a  Polar Bear skin two piece...look out Acuff!   Question:  where does one train in Iceland?.  Pits are frozen so she lands on Humpback whales that she slaughtered in a religious ceremony.  Greenpeace hates her.Worships Thor, God of Thunder.  Stole Toby's helmet and put horns on it to make Viking hat.  Drafted by Minnesota.

7. Nastja Ryshich (Ger)--Another cutie who will be distracted to jump high by the fact that her name gets spelled wrong all the time.  Secretly has the hots for men who make web sites....and pole vault...with my name...who look like me. I love her name!

9. Emma George (Aus)--Hears the cry of a circus elephant in need and runs to a phone booth, puts on a clown out fit and flys to the rescue.  Later found up a tree making that call that Paul Hogan does in Crocodile Dundee.  Her favorite movie is "The Gods Must be Crazy".

9. Daniela Bártová (Cze)--I thought this girl was dead!

Everyone else will come to my house for a huge keg party with a "wear your favorite food" theme, mine is beer! That's a food! The post party will consits of a ritual dance in my honor where each lady vaulter will place a piece of undergarmet in a pint of beer and pour it on my body while shouting, "Melika kanna puhuahua na tomanufah" , which as we all know is the ancient language of the Vault Gods for "Praise be to the mighty Seer of the Vault".  Which is of course me.  The feast will be of roast swine and no utensils will be used as goblets runneth over in the juices from the vine.  Only to be followed by a handstand contest like the US girls did.  I loved that!  You watch....it will happen!
 
 

1. Maksim Tarasov (Rus) 6.04m-- Maksim has been jumping too well lately to let Bubka win a 7th title.  I hear he has been drinking tons of Vodka in preparation for urination on the medal stand.  But still gets 2nd bill to Bubka.  Secretly has a plan to have Sergey killed.  Hobbies include beating everyone all the time and not looking like he will ever miss 5.90. Has to remind everyone that this is not his first major title, he did win the '92 Games you know. Remember, when NBC had that brilliant three channel package that only cost them a few billion in losses? Year of the, WE SENT WHO!!! and he came in fifth! When they had those two Idiot announcers who were only slightly more annoying than Rosanne, but less knowledgeable. Had to share  uniforms with Belyakova. She was pissed.

2. Sergey Bubka (Ukr) 6.00m--Will most likely win and make me look stupid, then proclaim in his best Ivan Drago voice (ROCKY IV) "I must break you".  This will be his last meet of the year as he returns to training for competitions that he never jumps in.   That is if he jumps at all. You never know until the medals are given out.  If  he does pull out ( huh huh) expect him to break the world record in his next meeting.

3. Michael Stolle (Ger) 5.90m-- GERMANS LOVE DAVID HASSLEHOFF.  That alone keeps him from victory. Will spend all his prize money on a KIT replica Trans Am  from KNIGHT RIDER just so he can hear it say, "Michael, there's trouble ahead" . Turbo boosters didn't work that day.  Has several traffic violations for tailgating black semi truck and yelling, "LOWER THE F%#$@%# RAMP".   Will show up in a black naugahide (sp?) jacket, tight navy blue jeans, white collared shirt, and sunglasses.

4. Dmitriy Markov 5.90m (Aus)--Will claim his new black eye from a recent bar fight a hindrance on his performance.  But you got to love the pole vaulters who tear it up in bars. Most likely to be drunk during the competition. Runs up a huge phone bill to sex lines and leaves without paying.  Winner of the most likely to be mistaken for someone in shape award.  He can loose a few.

5. Jeff Hartwig (US)5.90m--The greatest vaulter the US has ever produced!!! Will spend his time trying to explain that not EVERYONE from Arkansas kisses his sister and uses chewing tobacco as an aphrodisiac.  But we all know most do. Sometimes uses his belt buckle for ID purposes. Lon Badeaux found near Jeff telling chicks he trains with him (but still doesn't score). Spotted using  a can of Copenhagen  for a step marker.

6. Tim Lobinger (Ger) 5.80m--Will get caught with photo of David Hasslehoff by Hysong in bathroom, uh you know.  Tries to jump but his scrunchie falls loose and his fro will get caught on the standard so he hangs there for the rest of the comp. Already has a KIT car, and all of Hasslehoff's albums. And a few dolls.

6.  Nick Hysong (US) 5.80m-- To busy throwing up after seeing Vadim and Tim naked. Trackgirls calendar found missing from bathroom after the incident. Nick will have no comment.  Well done at Crystal Palace...you earned the ranking.  I started you at 5.60 because even your bag said you sucked!! But you put the hurt on Europe that day. Make me look good here.  Has a debate with the entire German side that the  A- TEAM was a much better program .  Later finds out his car was torched. READ ON !!!

8. Jean Galfione (Fra) 5.60m-- To busy combing hair to care about the meet. After all, anything done by those dirty Spaniards can't be worth competing in.  Will then try to convince Hartwig that he really didn't hold his 6.00m indoors. (Beat out Stacey for best looking vaulter).  Eats laughing cow cheese during the competition and breaks wind to check if there is a tail....right in Hysong's face, poor Nick! Tries to explain to Ecker that the chicken logo on french uniforms are really cool!

8. Vadim Strogalyov (Rus) 5.60m -- Will be caught Stroke-In-Off  to the new Trackgirls Calendar by Nick (tough luck) in the bathroom before the meet.  Will claim he was just taking a long pee. Says that the movie RED DAWN is the #1 reason he hates the US. This guy looks like every soldier that James Bond ever threw a poisoned pen at.  Looks like Bubka but smaller, to me at least.

8. Danny Ecker (Ger) 5.60m--Too busy invading Spain and claiming it for the Fatherland to jump high.  Has Baywatch taped during competition.   Found wearing mom's clothes in the changing room.  Claims it was for good luck (his mom was a STUD athlete).  Spends the evening trying to convince Spanish girls his middle initial is "P".

10. Pat Manson (US) 5.60m--Way to be a real man and beat up on third world islanders in the Pan Am Games. Real hard to beat the cast of Gilligan's Island.  Has a mental breakdown during the meet, heard screaming..."it's not my fault!!! Kansas made us wear PINK!!!" Seek help Pat, we can get through this.  I think I heard him talking about hating dwarves. I am in trouble here, he reads this! Nick gets it too but I am not convinced that anyone who went to ASU can read.

11.  Larry Jesse (Tex) 5.60m *AGE WR*-- Will jump in Texas and fax his results to Seville and somehow get it ratified as a legal mark for the event.  In fact, he had it filmed by the Zebruter film company.  Who cares if there is a few seconds missing and it looks like Kennedy got shot by two people.  Works for us! Will test positive for alcohol.  I just had to think of a way to get him in  here to let everyone know that he has a hot wife.

12. Igor Potopovich (Kaz) 5.60--I have a photo of his butt.  I owe him some Vodka, so he makes the Final.

103.  Dominic Johnson (StL) 1.80m--  Gets asked for credentials 414 times because no one believes this guy was an Olympian and World Champ participant---oh yea...he is from a chunk of dirt that fell off a real country.  To busy shagging Jamaican sprinters to give a crap.  But what does he care?  He comes from a deserted island where he is the only pole vaulter. Who else would they send? Ginger? MaryAnn, the Billionaaaaaare ....and his wiiiife.

Everyone else will test positive for Nandralone!

The men's post vault party will consist of childish "big pole" jokes and the ignighting of rectal gases.  They are a little immature. Nick is the only one not in attendance, having left after the competition  while humming a George Michael song...hmm.

I have spoken, so let it be written, so let it be done.   For I am the mighty Son of Michael, seed of Zues, sacker of cities, drinker of mead, plunderer of castles, wooer of women, and oracle to the lifeblood of pole vault.  Can I have my beanie babies back now Gus? It's late and I have to get to the store before it closes, as there is to much blood in my alcohol system!

POWER TO THE PEOPLE...VOTE HERE ON THE "VAULT POLL"